Author Aprill Fasino Lane
Available for purchase at many online stores. Click on the cover to read more about the book and/or to purchase.
Who is Aprill Fasino Lane?
Nearly 5 years, three IUIs, eight IVFs (including the frozen cycle), three losses... so now what?
I've often think about who I am and the life we are living. We went from our lowest low to parents of two amazing boys. We always hoped and dreamed we would get here but with each passing day and each failed cycle, we felt that our dreams would remain dreams and not become a reality.
I have a really unique perspective on having a family after infertility. I did not carry Miles and I did carry Mark. Miles is not genetically ours but he's ours. Mark is genetically ours but he’s ours. I love them the same. I love how I got to them the same. I love their stories the same. Miles returned some hope into our lives. Mark instilled faith in miracles. My pregnancy with Mark did teach me a few things...
I kept saying that I was fighting to be a mother. After Miles' birth, I thought that I was wrong all those years, I wasn't fighting to be a mother, I was fighting for pregnancy. I always said that I knew we would be parents, it was just a matter of how we would get there. Then came perfect little Miles. I was a mother. It was and is amazing. Even with motherhood, I had this fight in me. I felt like our fight was over. I thought I was fighting for motherhood, but I realized that I was fighting for pregnancy.
I wanted to experience having a child the traditional way. I wanted to experience morning sickness, back aches, an expanding belly and labor. Once I was pregnant with Mark, I realized that even though I achieved it, infertility took it away. I was fighting for something that was already gone. I was bitter, scarred, angry, and most of all, terrified. I thought if I enjoyed the pregnancy, something would go wrong. When I felt okay, I found myself in an ER thinking that the baby passed. When people commented on my pregnancy, I would have anxiety that they were jinxing it. I wanted so badly to have this experience. There I was, in it, and I couldn't enjoy it. I realize now that Infertility makes you feel damaged and needy. You feel like it's all unfair (and it is). You end up fighting for all these things that other people take for granted. Then, if you're lucky, you get to experience them and you find yourself terrified to ruin it.
I absolutely feel that our family is incomplete. We're not done having a family. I am done with putting my body and my psyche through what it went through. I only recently read my blog/this book for the first time. Reading the changes in my perspective on life was heartbreaking. What I felt in the early chapters is certainly not how I felt in the end chapters and certainly not how I feel now. When I read how sick I was, ALL the time, I can't believe I functioned that way. Would I change a thing? Absolutely not. Back then, if you told me in order to get pregnant, I would need to cut my eyeballs out, I would have done it. Even now, if I knew that cutting my eyeballs out would lead me to Miles and Mark, I would do it... in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even think twice about it. However, I do know now, that sometimes life changes you. It can change you for the better and it can change you for the worse. Infertility changed me. It changed how I see pregnancy. It's a miracle and a privilege. It's scary and painful. It's heartbreaking and dark. It's a life event that most people take for granted.
I pray that we are blessed with more children one day. Maybe we will adopt. Maybe one of our two frozen embryos will result in a live birth. Maybe we will have another miracle natural birth. I don't know. I do know that I have holes in my heart. Maybe I have three of them, one for each lost baby. Maybe I have eight of them, one for each failed cycle. Maybe I have 11 of them, one for each failed medicated cycle. Maybe I have 96 of them, one for each month of trying. Maybe some will heal. Maybe some will forever be part of me. However it ends up, my life is the way it is because of infertility. It may have left me damaged, but it also left me with two amazing children. I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. I thank God every day for that.
I have a new fight in me. My fight is not only for my family, it's for yours too. I promise to commit myself to all those couples out there dealing with Infertility. I will do everything in my power to help you fight your fight. I will continue to go to DC and lobby for our rights. I will continue to run support groups to help support you through your cycles and losses. I will work my tail feather off to make sure that AGC Scholarships are able to financially assist as many couples as possible. Every one's family deserves a chance at existence.
Nearly 5 years, three IUIs, eight IVFs (including the frozen cycle), three losses... so now what?
I've often think about who I am and the life we are living. We went from our lowest low to parents of two amazing boys. We always hoped and dreamed we would get here but with each passing day and each failed cycle, we felt that our dreams would remain dreams and not become a reality.
I have a really unique perspective on having a family after infertility. I did not carry Miles and I did carry Mark. Miles is not genetically ours but he's ours. Mark is genetically ours but he’s ours. I love them the same. I love how I got to them the same. I love their stories the same. Miles returned some hope into our lives. Mark instilled faith in miracles. My pregnancy with Mark did teach me a few things...
I kept saying that I was fighting to be a mother. After Miles' birth, I thought that I was wrong all those years, I wasn't fighting to be a mother, I was fighting for pregnancy. I always said that I knew we would be parents, it was just a matter of how we would get there. Then came perfect little Miles. I was a mother. It was and is amazing. Even with motherhood, I had this fight in me. I felt like our fight was over. I thought I was fighting for motherhood, but I realized that I was fighting for pregnancy.
I wanted to experience having a child the traditional way. I wanted to experience morning sickness, back aches, an expanding belly and labor. Once I was pregnant with Mark, I realized that even though I achieved it, infertility took it away. I was fighting for something that was already gone. I was bitter, scarred, angry, and most of all, terrified. I thought if I enjoyed the pregnancy, something would go wrong. When I felt okay, I found myself in an ER thinking that the baby passed. When people commented on my pregnancy, I would have anxiety that they were jinxing it. I wanted so badly to have this experience. There I was, in it, and I couldn't enjoy it. I realize now that Infertility makes you feel damaged and needy. You feel like it's all unfair (and it is). You end up fighting for all these things that other people take for granted. Then, if you're lucky, you get to experience them and you find yourself terrified to ruin it.
I absolutely feel that our family is incomplete. We're not done having a family. I am done with putting my body and my psyche through what it went through. I only recently read my blog/this book for the first time. Reading the changes in my perspective on life was heartbreaking. What I felt in the early chapters is certainly not how I felt in the end chapters and certainly not how I feel now. When I read how sick I was, ALL the time, I can't believe I functioned that way. Would I change a thing? Absolutely not. Back then, if you told me in order to get pregnant, I would need to cut my eyeballs out, I would have done it. Even now, if I knew that cutting my eyeballs out would lead me to Miles and Mark, I would do it... in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even think twice about it. However, I do know now, that sometimes life changes you. It can change you for the better and it can change you for the worse. Infertility changed me. It changed how I see pregnancy. It's a miracle and a privilege. It's scary and painful. It's heartbreaking and dark. It's a life event that most people take for granted.
I pray that we are blessed with more children one day. Maybe we will adopt. Maybe one of our two frozen embryos will result in a live birth. Maybe we will have another miracle natural birth. I don't know. I do know that I have holes in my heart. Maybe I have three of them, one for each lost baby. Maybe I have eight of them, one for each failed cycle. Maybe I have 11 of them, one for each failed medicated cycle. Maybe I have 96 of them, one for each month of trying. Maybe some will heal. Maybe some will forever be part of me. However it ends up, my life is the way it is because of infertility. It may have left me damaged, but it also left me with two amazing children. I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. I thank God every day for that.
I have a new fight in me. My fight is not only for my family, it's for yours too. I promise to commit myself to all those couples out there dealing with Infertility. I will do everything in my power to help you fight your fight. I will continue to go to DC and lobby for our rights. I will continue to run support groups to help support you through your cycles and losses. I will work my tail feather off to make sure that AGC Scholarships are able to financially assist as many couples as possible. Every one's family deserves a chance at existence.
Q: What inspired you to write your book?
A: We were in the early stages of our infertility struggle- I was finding that socially, I didn’t have anyone that understood or could relate. I wanted to start the blog to fight the misconceptions about infertility and have a place that others that were dealing with it could turn to.
Q: How did you come up with the title?
A: Infertility Inferschmility is my lighthearted mockery of the disease. I always blend “schm” with things that I do not like but have to deal with. For example, work schmork.
Q: What made you decide to sit down and actually start something?
A: Connecting to others. Being a voice and advocate for those who were staying quiet. Infertility needs to be recognized socially and medically as a medical condition. It is a disease with a diagnostic code – Insurance companies and States need to start recognizing it as such. There are only a handful of states with mandates that require insurers to cover treatment. Peers need to start treating it like a disease. People say the most inappropriate things about infertility- things they would never say about another disease state. There is an insensitivity around it because of a lack of understanding.
A: We were in the early stages of our infertility struggle- I was finding that socially, I didn’t have anyone that understood or could relate. I wanted to start the blog to fight the misconceptions about infertility and have a place that others that were dealing with it could turn to.
Q: How did you come up with the title?
A: Infertility Inferschmility is my lighthearted mockery of the disease. I always blend “schm” with things that I do not like but have to deal with. For example, work schmork.
Q: What made you decide to sit down and actually start something?
A: Connecting to others. Being a voice and advocate for those who were staying quiet. Infertility needs to be recognized socially and medically as a medical condition. It is a disease with a diagnostic code – Insurance companies and States need to start recognizing it as such. There are only a handful of states with mandates that require insurers to cover treatment. Peers need to start treating it like a disease. People say the most inappropriate things about infertility- things they would never say about another disease state. There is an insensitivity around it because of a lack of understanding.
Want to learn more about Aprill and her work?
You can connect with Aprill through the following links:
Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/aprill.f.lane
Website
http://www.agcscholarships.org
You can connect with Aprill through the following links:
https://www.facebook.com/aprill.f.lane
Website
http://www.agcscholarships.org
